Kamu, iya kamu.
Aku doakan kamu bertemu yang buatmu tenang dan bahagia, layaknya kamu untukku.
Memang sebagian hati ini masih berharap aku yang untukmu.
Tapi nyatanya mungkin memang bukan aku yang baik buatmu.
Aku tak mau egois, tak mau siksaku, apalagi siksamu.
Aku hanya bisa berharap suatu saat aku benar-benar ikhlas.
Ikhlas ada hati lain yang bisa bahagiakan hari-harimu.
Anggap saja ini terima kasihku karena kamu sudah tenangkanku meski mungkin kamu lakukannya tanpa sadar.
You, you make me addicted on you like cocaine does to crackhead.
You, you calm me down yet at the same time keep me on my toes all the time.
You, you come looking for me just to leave me over and over again.
You, can’t we just stop all this nonsense already?
I’m not one who typically do annual introspection, let alone setting new year’s resolution since I believe these are the stuff that should be done continuously as opposed to only on annual basis. But then again, 2020 has been an especially fucked-up year for almost every one. So, here it is.
For me personally, the year started as shitty as one could be but honestly speaking it has been turning not as bad after all. I was on a holiday in Milan with both my parents on New Year’s eve. Strangely enough, just hours toward midnight, my sister texted us informing our house was flooded (and there’s also another flood happening the month after). I remembered my mom hesitated in going out to see the fireworks but we eventually went anyway. We were staying close to Duomo so we stayed around the area thinking that the firework show would be there. Apparently, it didn’t. There was no firework, only a bunch of drunk people throwing firecrackers. The firework show as at the Castello area instead. Shit #1.
To make things worse, only couple of week after we got back, my grandmother passed away. We knew it was coming, I was even very calm (or perhaps numb) all the way toward her house and even offered my mom to be dropped at nearby supermarket so I could buy the food for the families first. But then during the funeral, it struck me. I was crying so effin’ loudly. It hit me hard that I hadn’t really been paying attention to my grandmother. I hadn’t visited her for a while because there’s a small part of me that’s often very sad when I visited her since she no longer remembered me, it’s as if she was no longer there anyway. And yes, this part was the one that made me felt really guilty and cried hysterically during the funeral. Shit #2.
The reason I was likely feeling numb when receiving the news of my grandmother passing was probably because I was high on antidepressant and antianxiety all throughout the first couple of months of 2020. At one point, all my insecurities, overthinking, PTSD, and all the external factors got so bad that I somewhat had the tendency to hurt myself, if not suicidal. I remembered punching the wall once in the office and there were times I was thinking of crashing my car…just to feel less numb. Because of this as well, I got very aggressive at work to the extent I hurt a lot of people. At one point, it got so bad that I was sure I made someone cried and being the sensitive-prick that I am, of course I also cried on another floor afterward. Shit #3.
As if it was not bad enough, I got close again to a past love interest. As if all the what-ifs in the past were not enough, it again ended with another series of are we/are we not and it eventually died out, again without any explanation. Shit #4.
In the midst of the pandemic, I suddenly got a fever. Obviously, everyone was panic despite the fact that it was unlikely at that time I caught COVID-19 as I haven’t left home for a while. I remembered my whole body ached so I took the afternoon off. But then I went on to work the day after and even had back-to-back meetings for 2-days afterward. It was so bad at one point, I barely could stand up to do prayer and kept on thinking this would be the time when I first passed out. But I braced through it and eventually got better but then couple of days after, I got red rashes which was unbelievably itchy and even then I was still not allowed to go to hospital by my sister but I insisted anyway. Got tested and apparently I caught dengue fever and had to be hospitalized for the next couple of days. Shit #5.
Luckily for me, it went a whole lot better afterward.
With the WFH, it got me into a lot of thinking. I learned to let go especially on the things I can’t control, case in point things at work. I felt really bad to the people I hurt at work so I apologized and cleared things out. Funnily enough, I learned that all this shits happened due to simple misunderstanding that I already knew was very likely to happen and actually communicated it to my manager to prevented it from happening but apparently something got mixed up in the process and all the shit storm happened. Things got a lot better at work, I even got my promotion and I am at a much better place in dealing with my insecurities than before, though still processing. Win #1.
With all the staying at home and how far my home is from all the good food, I was finally able to start my diet. Well, it wasn’t the typical diet. I still eat whatever shit I feel like it, albeit at a much smaller portion. I also get to regularly exercise. I eventually lose +/- 30kgs and still going. Best part of it all, I regained my stamina that I am able to run for 10km under 1 hour. Win #2.
I had been starting my house-buying journey since late last year but was unable to find one that is within my budget and at the location I wanted it to be. Until one day, I found this house in the very area I want, with the right size just enough for me with a proportionate dimension, and best of all, it was way cheaper than the market price. The key to the house is already in my bag as of this writing. Win #3.
The house searching got mixed up with some drama with the very person I mentioned on the above. It got somewhat weird, at least from my point of view, that I tried to get some sort of closure but failed so miserably and things just got even weirder from time to time, though I was the one to blame as well, but enough is enough. I learned that closure from other person is overrated. You CAN get closure on your own by letting go of things. Win #4.
It’s also been the year that I learned a lot of new skills, I started my classical piano training and also learned ukulele on the side. I started painting and found out that I wasn’t as bad as I used to be. I restarted reading again and got to expand my thinking even further. Win #5.
All in all, I have to say that 2020 didn’t start great for me, in fact it was so awful at the beginning. But it was the year I grew a lot and got to know myself more and be okay with not being okay. If I have to sum up 2020 in one word, it’s adulting.
Losing people is hard but no one told me that losing people in traumatic way can result in massive production of tears.
Over a month ago, we lost someone so suddenly in the office, just a few feet from my desk to be exact. Although I didn’t know him that well, it still is one of the saddest day in my whole life. I still remember that Monday, just before lunch time, I saw couple of people rushed into a meeting room. Next thing I knew, a fellow employee came out of the room, shouting that someone passed out in the room and if anyone knew CPR. Everyone looked but no one had any idea what to do. I rushed to pick up my phone and called my sister doctor. She asked me to check the pulse and his breathing. I came close, no breathing and no pulse. Sister told me to rushed him to nearest hospital. I panicked and ended the call. Everything was a whirlwind after that. People rushed to the hospital. I stayed at my desk, shaking uncontrollably. Those 10 minutes or so was the longest 10 minutes and the time when I felt most helpless in my entire life.
I knew what’s gonna happen next but I kept on denying it until I received phone call from a friend who was in the hospital who delivered me the undeniable news.
I was lost for words.
I called my sister, she tried to comfort me, reminding me that death is something that has been set by God and that no matter what I did, the result would have been the same. As a practicing moslem, part of me believe this. But there’s also a part of me who keeps reliving every seconds, wishing I had done things differently, wishing I didn’t panic and asked my sister to instruct me to do CPR myself, wishing things would have ended differently. When you believe that your life purpose is to help others, failing to save a life felt like taking one big punch on your stomach. I was so frantic I rushed to get my car key and spent the next hour crying hysterically in my car and only stopped because I had to get to a meeting. Who was I kidding tho, I couldn’t even stop shaking, let alone work or be present in a meeting. Everything happened afterward just seemed so wrong. I didn’t want to be alone because then my thought would just replay the scenes over and over again. But I also didn’t want to be around people, I remembered wanting to get off my own car on our way to dinner as people are just too noisy. Not too mention the crying, I cried and cried and cried whenever I had the chance.
Did things get better the day after? No, it got worse and I’m not even sure if I’m fully over it now.
I can’t sleep well for days, even until now. I never step on the meeting room where the accident happened and have zero intention to come nearby. Every single day whenever I entered the front door of my office, I cannot not stare at the bench where we laid him and whenever I see someone I know well enough sit on it, I still ask them to move. I did have to sit on it once as I needed to speak to a colleague who was waiting there, I couldn’t sleep that night. I still feel uncomfortable speaking about it that I once raised my voice at mom, telling her to switch topic when she asked more about it. I’ve been trying to drown myself in work to numb me, sometimes it works, sometimes I end up throwing up every single meal I eat at work.
Very few people know how badly it impacts me, I mean who would have guessed, I wouldn’t. Some helped me to cope (thank you 🙂 ), even my company arranged a group therapy/sharing session. Though I decided not to attend but at least I know I am not alone. My sister suggested to take CPR class so that if ever I got into the same situation, I don’t have to feel hopeless, which I intend to take but I just can’t yet. I don’t normally share how I feel to people let alone write it on this blog but I guess this is one of the way I try to cope. Part of me probably just want attention. Another part probably wishes that by writing this I’d fully realize that things happened the way they’re meant to happen and that whatever I did, it’d end up the same. I wish someday things would get back to normal. I know things would not be the same but one can hope, right?
It’s been a while since I last write here. It’s a bit dusty around here, huh?
Okay, so I turned 27 couple of weeks ago and honestly speaking I’m glad that I can come out of last year’s alive. Why? Oh well, where do I start?
Back when I was in college, I always imagined I’d have gotten everything figured out when I was 25, steady job, good career progression, and a stable healthy relationship. Guess what? I didn’t. All throughout my 25, I wished that I could somehow get it all together by end of the year.
Then came 27th January 2018. While I did somewhat-well in my professional life, I was no where near having personal romantic relationship. I was so busy at work, I even barely had time for myself. Things got worse on mid-2018 where I got in to a disagreement on how people, and by people I mean me, should be treated with someone senior in my reporting line at work. Let’s just say that while he claimed he didn’t mean to, what he did to me hit home hard with my insecurities.
For those of you who have met me in person probably knows that I have a hard outer shell. But not that many realizes that I’m actually very insecure of not being enough at everything. I always feel like I’m not a good enough person, I’m not smart enough as a worker, I’m not attractive enough as a women and all other variations of “I’m not enough” that one can possibly think of. I’m not gonna get into how I came to feel this way but last year was the year I came to realize and admitted that this is a problem and that I have to deal with it.
Was it easy? Nope, not at all. Go Google “signs of depressions” and I can tick of most of the things on the list, unprovoked aggression, loss of interest, restless sleep, early awakening, you name it. There was even a period where I couldn’t keep food down and I wasn’t sure if it was caused by my chronic ulcer or I was just plain bulimic.
Have I fully gotten over my insecurities? Nope, not at all. I’m still trying to digest how my insecurities affected how I behaved, which apparently was a lot and mostly not in a good way, from not having the confident to speak in public, avoiding eye contact at all cost, to unintentionally friendzoning every guy trying to get close to me because I didn’t think any one of them would have interest in me and I was being delusional to think that he did have feelings for me (if any of you my victim is reading this, hi there! HAHA).
Having known all this doesn’t magically makes my insecurities disappear. It’s still there, looming over my head everytime I do anything. But I’m trying my best to affirm myself that it’s not always right and it’s just in my head. Yes, there are times when I’m not good enough at the thing that I’m doing at the moment but the only thing it means is that I need to learn how to do it better and not to punish myself for it nor not having the confidence to face it.
How is this related to my birthday? I have to say that this year is probably one of the best birthday I’ve ever had. I got 3 huge floral bouquets, many cakes, gifts and countless well-wishes. But most importantly, I realized that I’m not alone, I have families and friends who likes me and are there for me despite the fact that I annoy them from time to time. I personally would like to thank each one of them for making me grin from ear to ear on my birthday. I do hope that we all have a great year ahead and we’re able to rise above and beyond all of our insecurities 🙂
XOXO
Silly Bits of Thought 