2020 Wrap Up

I’m not one who typically do annual introspection, let alone setting new year’s resolution since I believe these are the stuff that should be done continuously as opposed to only on annual basis. But then again, 2020 has been an especially fucked-up year for almost every one. So, here it is.

For me personally, the year started as shitty as one could be but honestly speaking it has been turning not as bad after all. I was on a holiday in Milan with both my parents on New Year’s eve. Strangely enough, just hours toward midnight, my sister texted us informing our house was flooded (and there’s also another flood happening the month after). I remembered my mom hesitated in going out to see the fireworks but we eventually went anyway. We were staying close to Duomo so we stayed around the area thinking that the firework show would be there. Apparently, it didn’t. There was no firework, only a bunch of drunk people throwing firecrackers. The firework show as at the Castello area instead. Shit #1.

To make things worse, only couple of week after we got back, my grandmother passed away. We knew it was coming, I was even very calm (or perhaps numb) all the way toward her house and even offered my mom to be dropped at nearby supermarket so I could buy the food for the families first. But then during the funeral, it struck me. I was crying so effin’ loudly. It hit me hard that I hadn’t really been paying attention to my grandmother. I hadn’t visited her for a while because there’s a small part of me that’s often very sad when I visited her since she no longer remembered me, it’s as if she was no longer there anyway. And yes, this part was the one that made me felt really guilty and cried hysterically during the funeral. Shit #2.

The reason I was likely feeling numb when receiving the news of my grandmother passing was probably because I was high on antidepressant and antianxiety all throughout the first couple of months of 2020. At one point, all my insecurities, overthinking, PTSD, and all the external factors got so bad that I somewhat had the tendency to hurt myself, if not suicidal. I remembered punching the wall once in the office and there were times I was thinking of crashing my car…just to feel less numb. Because of this as well, I got very aggressive at work to the extent I hurt a lot of people. At one point, it got so bad that I was sure I made someone cried and being the sensitive-prick that I am, of course I also cried on another floor afterward. Shit #3.

As if it was not bad enough, I got close again to a past love interest. As if all the what-ifs in the past were not enough, it again ended with another series of are we/are we not and it eventually died out, again without any explanation. Shit #4.

In the midst of the pandemic, I suddenly got a fever. Obviously, everyone was panic despite the fact that it was unlikely at that time I caught COVID-19 as I haven’t left home for a while. I remembered my whole body ached so I took the afternoon off. But then I went on to work the day after and even had back-to-back meetings for 2-days afterward. It was so bad at one point, I barely could stand up to do prayer and kept on thinking this would be the time when I first passed out. But I braced through it and eventually got better but then couple of days after, I got red rashes which was unbelievably itchy and even then I was still not allowed to go to hospital by my sister but I insisted anyway. Got tested and apparently I caught dengue fever and had to be hospitalized for the next couple of days. Shit #5.

Luckily for me, it went a whole lot better afterward.

With the WFH, it got me into a lot of thinking. I learned to let go especially on the things I can’t control, case in point things at work. I felt really bad to the people I hurt at work so I apologized and cleared things out. Funnily enough, I learned that all this shits happened due to simple misunderstanding that I already knew was very likely to happen and actually communicated it to my manager to prevented it from happening but apparently something got mixed up in the process and all the shit storm happened. Things got a lot better at work, I even got my promotion and I am at a much better place in dealing with my insecurities than before, though still processing. Win #1.

With all the staying at home and how far my home is from all the good food, I was finally able to start my diet. Well, it wasn’t the typical diet. I still eat whatever shit I feel like it, albeit at a much smaller portion. I also get to regularly exercise. I eventually lose +/- 30kgs and still going. Best part of it all, I regained my stamina that I am able to run for 10km under 1 hour. Win #2.

I had been starting my house-buying journey since late last year but was unable to find one that is within my budget and at the location I wanted it to be. Until one day, I found this house in the very area I want, with the right size just enough for me with a proportionate dimension, and best of all, it was way cheaper than the market price. The key to the house is already in my bag as of this writing. Win #3.

The house searching got mixed up with some drama with the very person I mentioned on the above. It got somewhat weird, at least from my point of view, that I tried to get some sort of closure but failed so miserably and things just got even weirder from time to time, though I was the one to blame as well, but enough is enough. I learned that closure from other person is overrated. You CAN get closure on your own by letting go of things. Win #4.

It’s also been the year that I learned a lot of new skills, I started my classical piano training and also learned ukulele on the side. I started painting and found out that I wasn’t as bad as I used to be. I restarted reading again and got to expand my thinking even further. Win #5.

All in all, I have to say that 2020 didn’t start great for me, in fact it was so awful at the beginning. But it was the year I grew a lot and got to know myself more and be okay with not being okay. If I have to sum up 2020 in one word, it’s adulting.

On Turning 27

It’s been a while since I last write here. It’s a bit dusty around here, huh?

Okay, so I turned 27 couple of weeks ago and honestly speaking I’m glad that I can come out of last year’s alive. Why? Oh well, where do I start?

Back when I was in college, I always imagined I’d have gotten everything figured out when I was 25, steady job, good career progression, and a stable healthy relationship. Guess what? I didn’t. All throughout my 25, I wished that I could somehow get it all together by end of the year.

Then came 27th January 2018. While I did somewhat-well in my professional life, I was no where near having personal romantic relationship. I was so busy at work, I even barely had time for myself. Things got worse on mid-2018 where I got in to a disagreement on how people, and by people I mean me, should be treated with someone senior in my reporting line at work. Let’s just say that while he claimed he didn’t mean to, what he did to me hit home hard with my insecurities.

For those of you who have met me in person probably knows that I have a hard outer shell. But not that many realizes that I’m actually very insecure of not being enough at everything. I always feel like I’m not a good enough person, I’m not smart enough as a worker, I’m not attractive enough as a women and all other variations of “I’m not enough” that one can possibly think of. I’m not gonna get into how I came to feel this way but last year was the year I came to realize and admitted that this is a problem and that I have to deal with it.

Was it easy? Nope, not at all. Go Google “signs of depressions” and I can tick of most of the things on the list, unprovoked aggression, loss of interest, restless sleep, early awakening, you name it. There was even a period where I couldn’t keep food down and I wasn’t sure if it was caused by my chronic ulcer or I was just plain bulimic.

Have I fully gotten over my insecurities? Nope, not at all. I’m still trying to digest how my insecurities affected how I behaved, which apparently was a lot and mostly not in a good way, from not having the confident to speak in public, avoiding eye contact at all cost, to unintentionally friendzoning every guy trying to get close to me because I didn’t think any one of them would have interest in me and I was being delusional to think that he did have feelings for me (if any of you my victim is reading this, hi there! HAHA).

Having known all this doesn’t magically makes my insecurities disappear. It’s still there, looming over my head everytime I do anything. But I’m trying my best to affirm myself that it’s not always right and it’s just in my head. Yes, there are times when I’m not good enough at the thing that I’m doing at the moment but the only thing it means is that I need to learn how to do it better and not to punish myself for it nor not having the confidence to face it.

How is this related to my birthday? I have to say that this year is probably one of the best birthday I’ve ever had. I got 3 huge floral bouquets, many cakes, gifts and countless well-wishes. But most importantly, I realized that I’m not alone, I have families and friends who likes me and are there for me despite the fact that I annoy them from time to time. I personally would like to thank each one of them for making me grin from ear to ear on my birthday. I do hope that we all have a great year ahead and we’re able to rise above and beyond all of our insecurities 🙂

XOXO

Are We Really That Inferior?

I am not much of a feminist but there is something that’s been bugging me for quite some time. You know, living in a patriarchal society has its own perks, like having your guy friends drive you home, which I have to admit that I do enjoy them at times. However, like every other things, it also has its downside, and in my country that includes this ridiculous glass ceiling for women to focus on their career or to pursue higher education. There is this obnoxious dogma here that women are so inferior to men that they are not supposed to have better career or higher academic degree than their spouses, especially at the time they’re getting married. Or in other words, if you happen to be a woman and planning to get, let’s say, a PhD, you better get hitched first. Otherwise, you better be prepared to spend your old days alone, as a cat lady.

I am one of the lucky few whose parents are more keen on telling me to pursue higher ed and my career than to get married. Nevertheless, living in a collective society means that I still have to endure the social pressure. There was this one time I met my dad’s colleague who has a PhD and held an important position in the government, and guess what he said? Yeah, women shouldn’t bother to pursue PhD, but men must get the highest academic degree possible. I was gobsmacked, someone with that kind of credential could say something as appalling as that. Not only that, when I just got back to Indonesia, I met some of my mom friends who within 5 minutes of meeting me already badgered me when I’m gonna get married. Like, hello? Just because i’ve finished my master doesn’t mean getting married is what I should do next. I have the rights to choose what I want to do next be it pursuing career, getting a PhD, or getting married and the society doesn’t have any power nor rights to dictate what I should or shouldn’t do with my life.

I wonder what started all this absurdity. I mean, I am pretty sure there hasn’t been any scientific research that could prove that women with higher academic degree make lousier partners in marriage. If it’s based solely on the society’s definition of men’s and women’s standing or on men’s ego, well guess what? I think its a good thing for women, since this would serve as a mechanism for the garden to “weed” itself. I am sure smart women out there are better off without men who are dumb enough to let the society dictate them or to be intimidated solely by women’s career achievement or academic degree. So, all I could say is: thank you!

What Is Love?

Although I sometimes write romantic stuff, I am not much of a romantic in real life, especially these past couple of years. In fact, those of you who know me personally probably know how much of a cynic I can be when it comes to lovey-dovey things. Whenever I see a couple picture captioned with something poetic, I would, at least 75% of the time, sneer at it. Some of you might say that my behaviour is the result of my nonexistent love life. Maybe you are right, or maybe my brain just happens to be wired differently than yours. I’d personally opt for the second reason though, be it a form of denial or not (even if it’s denial, living in denial is awesome, go and ask those million others who do :-p).

Okay, enough yapping about myself. What I am trying to say is that, I have 365 days a year so it wouldn’t hurt me to give this one particular day to all lovebirds out there and let them celebrate the valentine’s day in peace. In fact, in order to honour them, I decided to go through old photos that I have taken and see if I had captured love’s defining moments. So, here they are!

Love is the force that makes people willing to exercise and do silly poses in a public space in order to keep their body fit

Love is the mutual feeling that grows between a dog and its master no matter how much of a mess that the dog makes around the house

Love is something that is nurtured throughout years of friendship that unfortunately can be easily killed by betrayal

Love is the thing that makes someone willing to wake up each morning and do his job even though he has to stand up under the scorching sun while doing it

Love makes one does something no matter how stupid and silly it is

Love compels one to call their girlfriend just to check if she has arrived home safely even when he is 3000 meters above the sea level

Love makes people genuinely enjoy every second in the company of one another and even willing to share their umbrella

Love is an essential component in creating a comfortable silence between two people

Love strengthens people to step into the future, no matter how uncertain it is, so long as they are together

Love makes people crazy enough to have kids even though they know it would bring them much trouble

Love is something that makes a dad willing to do anything to protect his ever-little daughter and makes the worrying endless

Love makes a mom willing to do things she hates, such as eating broccoli, because she knows her kids would mimic her

Love is the feeling which ensure you that your brother will always got your back

Love generates that safety feeling around ones’ own lovers that encourage old couple to travel and see the world together despite their arthritis

Love is something that makes one spends every second thinking of his lover even when she is long gone

All in all, for some love is a mere chemical reaction which happens in the brain. While for some others, love has another complicated meaning that is hard to put in words and is better expressed through actions. No matter how you define love, the most important thing is to always spread love around and keep this world at peace fellas!

Arrivederci Milano!

Two years ago i made one of the biggest decision in my life, to pursue master degree in milan. Well, for someone who never liked being abroad and being in school, i am still not sure if i was being adventurous or plain dumb. Anyhow, at least i think, i made a pretty good decision.

You know how people always say that you have to go out of your comfort zone every once in a while? Well, my first few weeks in milan didn’t only feel like i was out of my comfort zone, in fact i felt as if i was thrown into an unknown zone where uncomfortable would be an understatement to what i was feeling that time. I pretty much hated everything, the city, the weather, the people, even the food (sorry, but the excessive use of tomato in italian cuisines just made me go blargh). Everything was run differently be it how every movie was dubbed into italian or how carbs and proteins are not supposed to be eaten together in one meal. And of course, it pissed me off and i thought every body was stupid to practice those customs.

As time pass by, i started to realize that people are not stupid for doing things differently, it’s just simply different. We are raised with different customs where it’s normal for me to have a bowl of porridge for breakfast while italians use to having brioche and cappuccino. It doesn’t mean that i’m better than them or vice versa. And yes, i started to enjoy my life in milan and so long that silly desire to sneak into the airport and get into the baggage of one of those flights that headed home.

Yeah, there were times when i regretted my decision or thought that i could do better. But then again, there’s no point in doing so. It’s not like i was wasting my time anyway. I learnt many things that i wouldn’t have learnt should i decide to stay in indonesia that time, be it the fact that i shouldn’t wash my jeans with my light-colored clothes unless i want them to have that greyish shade that makes everything looks dull (oh well, i consider this as a blessing in disguise though since i got to buy new clothes) or how to enjoy simple things in life from the sunshine on a cold winter day to the smell of wet soil when it rains on summer. What i’m most grateful for from this experience is the fact that i could learn to enjoy being in the company of my own self. Well, i never enjoyed being alone, i always thought that people were staring at me everytime i was eating alone. But living in milan taught me that spending time alone is indeed very fulfilling and let me know myself more.

Anyway, the time has come for me to move out of the city and come to back to my country. Although, i’m pretty much incapable of establishing emotional bond with things and i don’t feel that sad to leave milan, there will always be a part of me that misses milan, luini, an afternoon stroll in parco sempione, and even the crappy weather. Arrivederci Milano, you’ll forever be missed!

PS: Since i’m back to indonesia for good, i can be reached at my old indonesian number (the one ending with 6669). Anyhow, you can always reach me through my e-mail, dwintawidyastuti@yahoo.com.